The Beginning of Healing

There is a balm in Gilead

To make the wounded whole;

There is a balm in Gilead

To heal the sin-sick soul.

Dear God-

If I could sing like Judy Collins, I'd be singing "Amazing Grace" right now. 

I'm not good at expressing my gratitude in words nor can I adequately describe the peace and healing I have felt as of late but I wanted to say thank-You in the most sincere way I know how. 

From time to time You bless me with Your redeeming grace, Your tender mercies, and the embrace of Your infinite love. Rarely though, am I in harmony to receive it but these past couple weeks have been one of those times. 

I am grateful Father for Your gracious blessings, for the peace of mind, for the healing of my troubled heart. At moments I have felt life again with the same innocent excitement that I often felt and how wonderful it is! Like a vail of darkness lifted from over my mind I can once again see the light. Feel the light! Oh what joy liberation brings!

How grateful I am for the opportunity I had this day, to testify in church of the redeeming and liberating power of Thy Son's atonement. How grateful I am for answered prayers...for Your help in accomplishing the things which I've been asked to do. 

Indeed "there is a balm in Gilead to make the wounded whole"!

Love,

Job

Without Anchor

Dear God,

I know You've always been there for me but as of late (the past few years) I haven't been able to shake the great disconnect I feel between me and heaven.

I have said my prayers in greater earnest, pleading for Your divine help, yet my life feels without anchor and I am tossed about by winds from every direction.

I have read the scriptures and the writings of the prophets with more diligence and yet I am unsure about how to move forward.

I have engaged myself in religious activity, committing myself to do my best, yet I feel disconnected from fellow believers.

I read my patriarchal blessing, yet the obstacles I face in life make it difficult to see Your divine promises ever coming to pass in my life.

I spend greater time with family, yet I feel so estranged from every one of them.

I feel aloof to existence.

Mine eyes are wet with tears.

I never envisioned my life becoming what it has.

I don't know where to begin. I don't know where to go. I don't know how to get help.

Please, if You get this letter, "help Thou my unbelief". Help me feel connected to life again.

Love,

Job

Nothing Wavering

Dear God,

I've been fighting real hard this month to free myself from the bonds of addiction. Just when I begin to feel like I am a free man I feel the tug of a tightening chain, which causes me to waiver and then remember that although I am moving away from the ball, I am still a slave to a master that knows me too well. 

I have listened to the sound of pornography, covered the screen with my hand to censor the pornography, searched for images that sometimes bring up pornography, watched films that I didn't know would expose me to pornography. My one vice. 

Heavenly Father, how do I eradicate every form of sexuality from my existence? How do I deny my natural man that longs for intimacy with another human being? No sex? Check. No relationships?  Check. No kissing? Check. No cuddling? Check. No hand-holding? Check. No one to love? Check. I have denied myself of all these things in order to keep the commandments, yet I fail by looking at pornography because my natural man is desperate for release and connection but there is no appropriate venue through which I can channel my sexual energy. 

I often feel my life would be better had my body never gone through puberty. I would be free. No ball and chains. No denying or suppressing myself. No longing for intimacy. I could live in the innocence of childhood dreams and unbridled imagination. I could see what I once saw and feel what I once felt, basking in the richness of the only life I would know. 

I guess all I can ask You for is mercy so please, Father, have mercy on me on the day of judgement. I plead for Christ and His redeeming atonement to carry me through life. I ask in faith, nothing wavering. 

Sincerely, 

Job

Redemption Road

Dear God,

Sorry I haven't written home in a while. I wandered into a dark place. I felt like I had started to let go and wonder off the path. Instead of letting you lead my life, I clung to my addiction to pornography. I turned to it in time of need looking for fulfillment, gratification, relief. Oh how I was wrong.
Growing up my mom once had a poem hanging from the kitchen fridge. I can't remember the words but it was about a man who walked down the same road, always falling into the same hole, and having to climb out again. I thought it was silly and a little stupid. Why would this guy keep falling into the same hole? Was he blind? Was he stupid? Turns out, that poem was really about me. Over the years I have walked down the same road of sin, falling into the same trap of pornography. I've repeated this pattern over and over again.
Father, I want to thank you for the wonderful bishop I have. Being in a new ward is socially challenging and it has been nice to have a bishop I can open up to. I don't think I've ever been so upfront and open with any bishop before. This blessing has helped enable me to climb back out of that hole again, only this time, I hope I have the strength and wisdom to walk down a different road. The correct road. The road to redemption.
Father, as I begin this journey again, will you help me to recognize and accept your divine help? Will you walk beside me, and carry me when I am to weak to walk?
Father, I love Thee and Thy Son Jesus Christ. Help me to again walk in Thy ways.

Sincerely,

Job

Picture I took recently of a historic church in Allyn, WA

Wrong Invitation

Dear God-

I just found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was. In fact, I am not strong at all. When temptation offers me an invitation I take it. No questions asked. No thought given to the detriment it would be to my spirit. No thought as to where it would take me or leave me. Nope. Once I have that invitation in my hand it's like nothing else matters. Conveniently I forget all that I believe in and am working towards. Sad thing is, I've seen that same invitation before. I didn't have to handle it, or read it. I knew what it looked like. I knew what it said. But still. I repeat like a broken tape. And I think nothing of it. I suppose it might as well be a drug. It gives me a high. I feel myself again for a while. I am happy. Motivated. Excited about life. Released from the self imposed pressure of always trying to do good or to be good so that I don't loose Your favor or so that heaven won't refuse to smile down on me. But I know this cannot last.

I need the Healer's clay placed upon my eyes so that I may see Your light. I need to feel your hands upon my ears so that I may hear Your voice. I need your saving grace. 

Sincerely, 

Job  

Thank-You Note

Dear God-

I just wanted to write You a quick note, thanking You for the peace I have felt recently. I am grateful for the comfort I have received by Your hand--for awaking my mind to good memories and reassuring feelings. I am grateful Father, for the gospel, for Your Son's atoning sacrifice, that I may be succored in my times of need. Oh my merciful Father, blessed be Your name forever!

Sincerely,

Job

To Be a Father

Dear God-

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I were a father...to know that feeling when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. I look at my friends. Most are married. Most are fathers or are on their way to becoming fathers. And then I look at myself I pity the man I see in the mirror. I feel sorry for him...that he's not a father but a lone wonderer. Empty.

In an attempt to harness hope I ponder on the question "what type of father would I be?" I'd like to think that I'd be the kind of father that always knew exactly what to say or do in every moment. I'd like to think that I would always be brave. That my children would know that there is nothing I fear. But this isn't so.

The enemy of my spirit counters my slim ray of hope with doubt and despair. "Ha, your not fit to be a father! Look at you! You're a H O M O S E X U A L! You'll never make it! You're not brave. Look at you, you have an anxiety disorder! There's no way you're mentally capable of handling a family!" By then my fears overwhelm me and family life (i.e. marriage and fatherhood) seems like an impossible reality. I am back to wallowing in isolation. In loneliness.

At church and around church members, I try to keep a positive outlook. Cultural expectations leave people puzzled as to why I am not yet married. I know their inquires are innocent but it's painful nonetheless. I want to tell them, "God has a different plan for me"but I, myself, am not sure what exactly Your plan is so I just smile on the outside and try not to laugh out of the wrong side of my face no matter how hard the stinging hurts.

In all my days I have never been in a relationship. I can count the total number of dates I've been on with my ten fingers. And the girls I've had to turn away who wanted something more than friendship? That pains me too Father. But in dating I can't help but feel like an ultimate deceiver...that I'm giving a precious daughter of God a hope that I will only have to crush...and without explanation. This only ever ends in sorrow.      

God? will you have mercy on me? Will you help me develop an unwavering hope that I will one day have a family? That I will one day have children to hold in my my now empty arms? Will you help me see myself and my life in terms of eternity? Will you soften the sting I feel from cultural expectations?

I wish to see the days when I can look my child in the eyes and see a glimpse of heaven, or hear my child utter their first word and take their first steps. I long to read them bedtime stories, hear their playful laughter, and watch them learn and grow.

Help me God, to have faith in Your timing and trust in Your wisdom.

Help me to live worthy of that day.

With this prayer, I walk into my 31st year.

Sincerely,

Job