I am scared. When I think about dating, this is how I feel. The world around me assumes I am heterosexual. They ask me questions about my social life. They're perplexed when I answer them.
Why isn't Job married? They wonder. Why doesn't he date? I assume the mothers out there view me as some sort of gentleman, with a full time job, who's active in church. I guess, on the outside, I appear to be everything that would make a good husband. On the inside, though, I feel the complete opposite. And that's why I've always avoided dating.
What if those mothers also knew I was homosexual? Would they want me for their daughter then? Would they see me as a gentleman? a hard worker? a devoted Latter-day Saint?
I am scared to date women because it makes feel like a lier and a deceiver--two things I am not. I am afraid of them falling in love with me, and me not being able to fall in love with them. How could I hurt someone like that?
Heavenly Father, what am I to do? Do I trust that all will work out in the end, and give dating a chance? Is this an instance of stepping into the dark in order to see the light? Are these women who want me to date their daughters inspired to pressure me? Is this all a part of Your plan?
If it ever did come to marriage, I worry even more. Could I handle the commitment, the responsibility, the pressure of what it all means to be a husband and father? I fear the answer is no. The fear is overwhelming.