Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I Just Want to be Honest

Dear God-

More than anything right now, I just wish I could be honest. I wish I could be honest with everyone in my life--that I didn't have to hide this part of myself.

I don't need a pulpit, a parade, or a party--just an opportunity to be honest when the situation arises. All I want is to be honest.

It kills me to pretend, to lie, to make up excuses but that's what I always do. That's all I've ever known to do.  

I need courage. I need strength. I need the guiding influence of Thy Spirit.

I need to know what to say and I need to know how to say it.

I need to have compassion for myself.

Heavenly Father, wilt Thou help me find the way?



Sunday, October 19, 2014

Simple Mercies

Dear God,

I can't thank You enough for today. It was probably the greatest Sunday I've experienced in a very long time.

At church, I felt calm and confident. I normally sit alone on my own pew in the chapel but today a family sat next to me. At first, the woman was mainly interested in my pew because there was an outlet where she could plug in and charge her tablet. Without reservation she handed it to me and asked if I could plug it in for her. I said "sure". And then again, announced without reservation that she and her husband would sit with me. I smiled and said, "sure, go ahead." She caught herself, and made double sure it was okay, that I didn't have any of the seats reserved. I told her no. It was okay. I didn't have a family.

She introduced herself and her husband. Then their kids showed up and they wanted to sit on the same pew so it ended up that there were five of us crammed together on bench. I didn't mind though. She then introduced her kids and then talked with me some more before the service began. She was nice. I told them I was glad to have them sit with me and that they could be my "adopted" family for the day. After the service when they got up to leave she turned to me and said, "I'd be glad to be your 'mom' any day!" I smiled. It felt good to know that somebody cared.

Later, in Sunday School I kept getting the impression to tell the teacher after class how much I appreciated the gospel lessons she shared. Immediately after the closing prayer she marched right over to me and asked if I had a minute. Her hands were clasped in an upright position. She gave me some complement. I couldn't understand exactly what she was saying but then she was suddenly back to the front of the room. I walked up to her. I told her how much her lessons meant to me and that I appreciated her. She thanked me and we talked a little bit more.

On top of all that the weather was beautiful! We walked out of church to sunny skies and 70 degrees! It was amazing!

Later this evening, I celebrated my birthday with family. I felt so grateful for all they did to make the evening special for me.

So, I wanted to write and say thank-You for today, for feeling loved by all those that crossed my path. Thank-You for Your simple mercies, Your gentle reminders that You are still there. These moments mean so much to me and for that, I am eternally grateful.



Sunday, October 12, 2014

Oh God, Where Art Thou?

Dear God,

Am I a coward? 

I feel like a coward. I feel ashamed. I feel ridiculous and embarrassed. 

Did I not have enough faith? Did I not trust in You enough? 

A few Sundays ago it was my opportunity to speak to the church congregation. In the weeks' time I had to prepare, I felt that I had done everything right. I pondered, I prayed, and I fasted. I spent all week organizing my thoughts and putting them into words. I really did do all I could do.

The subject matter of my sermon was very personal. It was a condensed and vailed story about my dealings with my sexual orientation and how I had lost my testimony and then found it again. It was emotionally draining to recall what I had been through. 

Aside from preparing a sermon that week, I felt an immense amount of stress from other areas of my life, particularly work. 

Saturday I finished everything up, and, realizing I needed to do some relaxing, I went kayaking out on the lake. It felt good. 

That night though, things took a turn for the worst. I went to visit a family friend in the hospital. She has the same terminal cancer my mom did. It was the first time I saw this friend since her operation. She was in good spirits but not very functional. It was heartbreaking to see her this way. All the emotions from my mom's experience and following death came rushing back. 

Between the stress, and seeing another loved one going through what my mom went through, I couldn't handle it anymore. My mind and body started to shut down. I was hoping to sleep well that Saturday night but I couldn't. My heart kept racing, my subconscious was unsettled. By morning light I was a wreck. I hadn't really slept in 24 hours.

How was I to speak in church that day? I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I was at the very end of my rope. I sent the bishop a text. I went down to the river in hopes of finding solace. I still felt awful. I could feel my mind being tormented by unseen spirits. There was no deliverance when I needed it.

I don't understand what happened that week. And I don't understand what I did wrong so as to shield me from Thy redeeming grace. 

"O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed...?" (Doctrine & Covenants 121:1-2)

Father in Heaven, have mercy on me.


Friday, October 3, 2014

Buffetings of Satan

Dear God,

Wilt Thou have mercy on me? Wilt Thou save me from my sins? Over the past couple weeks I have only felt the constant buffetings of Satan. It is so strange. I feel so out of control. I haven't felt myself.



Sunday, September 7, 2014


Dear God,

I am scared. When I think about dating, this is how I feel. The world around me assumes I am heterosexual. They ask me questions about my social life. They're perplexed when I answer them.
Why isn't Job married? They wonder. Why doesn't he date? I assume the mothers out there view me as some sort of gentleman, with a full time job, who's active in church. I guess, on the outside, I appear to be everything that would make a good husband. On the inside, though, I feel the complete opposite. And that's why I've always avoided dating.

What if those mothers also knew I was homosexual? Would they want me for their daughter then? Would they see me as a gentleman? a hard worker? a devoted Latter-day Saint?

I am scared to date women because it makes feel like a lier and a deceiver--two things I am not.  I am afraid of them falling in love with me, and me not being able to fall in love with them. How could I hurt someone like that?

Heavenly Father, what am I to do? Do I trust that all will work out in the end, and give dating a chance? Is this an instance of stepping into the dark in order to see the light? Are these women who want me to date their daughters inspired to pressure me? Is this all a part of Your plan?

If it ever did come to marriage, I worry even more. Could I handle the commitment, the responsibility, the pressure of what it all means to be a husband and father? I fear the answer is no. The fear is overwhelming.

Your son,


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Grateful No Matter What

Dear God,

I am grateful for this time I have been given. I am grateful for my life despite my circumstances. I am grateful for Your infinite love, Your redeeming grace, Your calm reassurances. How grateful I am for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, for the light and knowledge you have given me and those who came before. How grateful I am for the hope you've instilled in me, for the hope that is possible because of Your Son.

Heavenly Father, thank-You for the parents you have given me and the family that I cherish. Thank-You for ever watching over me, for blessing me with this beautiful world. Thank-You for healing my sin sick soul.



Wednesday, June 11, 2014


Dear God,

Sorry I haven't written home in a while, but my life has moved like an anxious river and as I've struggled to keep my head above water I've feared my life will be over before I ever had a chance to live. In the struggle against time I wonder where all the years have gone. Like a fading memory what seemed like yesterday was actually five years ago.

I sometimes find it strange, that in my 31 years on earth, I've never been in a relationship. Companionship is a stranger to me and I often times find myself wondering what my life would be like...feel like, if that weren't true. What's it like to be in love and have that person be in love with you? What's it like to hold hands? To cuddle? To share your most closely dreams, hopes, and fears with another person? What's it like to have someone always at your side? To go places with? To laugh with? To cry with? To experience life with? While these questions may go unanswered in this life, I have hope that one day, You will give me this opportunity. I smile when I think about holding the love of my life in my arms, laughing with my children as we play in open fields. It seems like, if only for a moment, I can also feel my heart swell with intense happiness as I imagine life with a family of my own. But, in the present moments, my heart sinks a little with despair. I am alone.

With my friends all now married and with children I feel like a stranger when I'm around them. I can sense hidden behind their eyes, and the eyes of everyone who knows me, a burning question, "What's wrong with Job? Why isn't he married? 'He's a nice guy', 'he's got a job', 'he's fun to be around', etc." If only I was brave enough to be honest. If only I could know they were mature enough to handle the truth. That they wouldn't abandon me, like what happened to Job in the Old Testament. To them I would say, "Like you, I am a son of God. My faith and testimony of the restored gospel resembles yours. I am still the same person, the same Job you've always known except you now know this part of me that I've kept hidden from the world. Can we walk together, in our journey back to heaven? Will you be there for me as I am for you? Will you lift me up when I am down? Are you willing to let go of all bias and see me for who I really am? If so, I will be your friend forever and when we pass through the veil and shed our mortal imperfections, we will then embrace, one brother to another, knowing that we have returned together, to the source of our being."

I feel like I have so much more to say, but again, time is slipping away. Most importantly, I thank You for Your constant love, Your endless mercy, Your redeeming grace. Heavenly Father, help me to always remember. Help me to always stay true.

Your Son,