Sorry I haven't written home in a while, but my life has moved like an anxious river and as I've struggled to keep my head above water I've feared my life will be over before I ever had a chance to live. In the struggle against time I wonder where all the years have gone. Like a fading memory what seemed like yesterday was actually five years ago.
I sometimes find it strange, that in my 31 years on earth, I've never been in a relationship. Companionship is a stranger to me and I often times find myself wondering what my life would be like...feel like, if that weren't true. What's it like to be in love and have that person be in love with you? What's it like to hold hands? To cuddle? To share your most closely dreams, hopes, and fears with another person? What's it like to have someone always at your side? To go places with? To laugh with? To cry with? To experience life with? While these questions may go unanswered in this life, I have hope that one day, You will give me this opportunity. I smile when I think about holding the love of my life in my arms, laughing with my children as we play in open fields. It seems like, if only for a moment, I can also feel my heart swell with intense happiness as I imagine life with a family of my own. But, in the present moments, my heart sinks a little with despair. I am alone.
With my friends all now married and with children I feel like a stranger when I'm around them. I can sense hidden behind their eyes, and the eyes of everyone who knows me, a burning question, "What's wrong with Job? Why isn't he married? 'He's a nice guy', 'he's got a job', 'he's fun to be around', etc." If only I was brave enough to be honest. If only I could know they were mature enough to handle the truth. That they wouldn't abandon me, like what happened to Job in the Old Testament. To them I would say, "Like you, I am a son of God. My faith and testimony of the restored gospel resembles yours. I am still the same person, the same Job you've always known except you now know this part of me that I've kept hidden from the world. Can we walk together, in our journey back to heaven? Will you be there for me as I am for you? Will you lift me up when I am down? Are you willing to let go of all bias and see me for who I really am? If so, I will be your friend forever and when we pass through the veil and shed our mortal imperfections, we will then embrace, one brother to another, knowing that we have returned together, to the source of our being."
I feel like I have so much more to say, but again, time is slipping away. Most importantly, I thank You for Your constant love, Your endless mercy, Your redeeming grace. Heavenly Father, help me to always remember. Help me to always stay true.