Time

Dear God,

Sorry I haven't written home in a while, but my life has moved like an anxious river and as I've struggled to keep my head above water I've feared my life will be over before I ever had a chance to live. In the struggle against time I wonder where all the years have gone. Like a fading memory what seemed like yesterday was actually five years ago.

I sometimes find it strange, that in my 31 years on earth, I've never been in a relationship. Companionship is a stranger to me and I often times find myself wondering what my life would be like...feel like, if that weren't true. What's it like to be in love and have that person be in love with you? What's it like to hold hands? To cuddle? To share your most closely dreams, hopes, and fears with another person? What's it like to have someone always at your side? To go places with? To laugh with? To cry with? To experience life with? While these questions may go unanswered in this life, I have hope that one day, You will give me this opportunity. I smile when I think about holding the love of my life in my arms, laughing with my children as we play in open fields. It seems like, if only for a moment, I can also feel my heart swell with intense happiness as I imagine life with a family of my own. But, in the present moments, my heart sinks a little with despair. I am alone.

With my friends all now married and with children I feel like a stranger when I'm around them. I can sense hidden behind their eyes, and the eyes of everyone who knows me, a burning question, "What's wrong with Job? Why isn't he married? 'He's a nice guy', 'he's got a job', 'he's fun to be around', etc." If only I was brave enough to be honest. If only I could know they were mature enough to handle the truth. That they wouldn't abandon me, like what happened to Job in the Old Testament. To them I would say, "Like you, I am a son of God. My faith and testimony of the restored gospel resembles yours. I am still the same person, the same Job you've always known except you now know this part of me that I've kept hidden from the world. Can we walk together, in our journey back to heaven? Will you be there for me as I am for you? Will you lift me up when I am down? Are you willing to let go of all bias and see me for who I really am? If so, I will be your friend forever and when we pass through the veil and shed our mortal imperfections, we will then embrace, one brother to another, knowing that we have returned together, to the source of our being."
....

I feel like I have so much more to say, but again, time is slipping away. Most importantly, I thank You for Your constant love, Your endless mercy, Your redeeming grace. Heavenly Father, help me to always remember. Help me to always stay true.

Your Son,

Job

Without Anchor

Dear God,

I know You've always been there for me but as of late (the past few years) I haven't been able to shake the great disconnect I feel between me and heaven.

I have said my prayers in greater earnest, pleading for Your divine help, yet my life feels without anchor and I am tossed about by winds from every direction.

I have read the scriptures and the writings of the prophets with more diligence and yet I am unsure about how to move forward.

I have engaged myself in religious activity, committing myself to do my best, yet I feel disconnected from fellow believers.

I read my patriarchal blessing, yet the obstacles I face in life make it difficult to see Your divine promises ever coming to pass in my life.

I spend greater time with family, yet I feel so estranged from every one of them.

I feel aloof to existence.

Mine eyes are wet with tears.

I never envisioned my life becoming what it has.

I don't know where to begin. I don't know where to go. I don't know how to get help.

Please, if You get this letter, "help Thou my unbelief". Help me feel connected to life again.

Love,

Job

Casting Burdens

Dear God,

My heart aches.

I am all alone. 

When I think of things I want to do, I don't end up doing them...because I don't want to do them alone. Instead, I remain a prisoner of my own place, bound by white walls and window blinds that act as prison bars between me and the outside world. It feels strange to go shopping alone, or biking alone, or hiking along, or anything alone. It wasn't always this way. 

Father, what is it that I do that keeps me in this continual predicament no matter where I move? Why does my life continually take me down dark and lonely paths? Why is it hard for me to make friends? And why do those I love always go away in the end?

Father in Heaven, have mercy on me. Each day I do the best I know how to walk in Your ways and keep Your commandments. To this end I have sacrificed much, and yet it seems that loneliness is always my reward. 

I know that when that times get tough I sometimes turn to vice in search of solace. I somehow think that pornography will fill that void of intimacy in my life but it never does. After the initial thrill it becomes boring, dull, and lifeless. It's never worth it and yet, in the past, I always returned to it, but not tonight. Not tonight. 

Father, I am just a child. I am Your son. I was created in Your image and I know I was created for greater things than this. Please help me fill the lonely void with faith, hope, and charity. Help me to make friends--good friends that will love me and see me for who I really am. Friends that I can enjoy the journey with on our way back to heaven. And help me, that in so doing, I might live.

Sincerely,

Job