Nothing Wavering

Dear God,

I've been fighting real hard this month to free myself from the bonds of addiction. Just when I begin to feel like I am a free man I feel the tug of a tightening chain, which causes me to waiver and then remember that although I am moving away from the ball, I am still a slave to a master that knows me too well. 

I have listened to the sound of pornography, covered the screen with my hand to censor the pornography, searched for images that sometimes bring up pornography, watched films that I didn't know would expose me to pornography. My one vice. 

Heavenly Father, how do I eradicate every form of sexuality from my existence? How do I deny my natural man that longs for intimacy with another human being? No sex? Check. No relationships?  Check. No kissing? Check. No cuddling? Check. No hand-holding? Check. No one to love? Check. I have denied myself of all these things in order to keep the commandments, yet I fail by looking at pornography because my natural man is desperate for release and connection but there is no appropriate venue through which I can channel my sexual energy. 

I often feel my life would be better had my body never gone through puberty. I would be free. No ball and chains. No denying or suppressing myself. No longing for intimacy. I could live in the innocence of childhood dreams and unbridled imagination. I could see what I once saw and feel what I once felt, basking in the richness of the only life I would know. 

I guess all I can ask You for is mercy so please, Father, have mercy on me on the day of judgement. I plead for Christ and His redeeming atonement to carry me through life. I ask in faith, nothing wavering. 

Sincerely, 

Job

Redemption Road

Dear God,

Sorry I haven't written home in a while. I wandered into a dark place. I felt like I had started to let go and wonder off the path. Instead of letting you lead my life, I clung to my addiction to pornography. I turned to it in time of need looking for fulfillment, gratification, relief. Oh how I was wrong.
Growing up my mom once had a poem hanging from the kitchen fridge. I can't remember the words but it was about a man who walked down the same road, always falling into the same hole, and having to climb out again. I thought it was silly and a little stupid. Why would this guy keep falling into the same hole? Was he blind? Was he stupid? Turns out, that poem was really about me. Over the years I have walked down the same road of sin, falling into the same trap of pornography. I've repeated this pattern over and over again.
Father, I want to thank you for the wonderful bishop I have. Being in a new ward is socially challenging and it has been nice to have a bishop I can open up to. I don't think I've ever been so upfront and open with any bishop before. This blessing has helped enable me to climb back out of that hole again, only this time, I hope I have the strength and wisdom to walk down a different road. The correct road. The road to redemption.
Father, as I begin this journey again, will you help me to recognize and accept your divine help? Will you walk beside me, and carry me when I am to weak to walk?
Father, I love Thee and Thy Son Jesus Christ. Help me to again walk in Thy ways.

Sincerely,

Job

Picture I took recently of a historic church in Allyn, WA

Casting Burdens

Dear God,

My heart aches.

I am all alone. 

When I think of things I want to do, I don't end up doing them...because I don't want to do them alone. Instead, I remain a prisoner of my own place, bound by white walls and window blinds that act as prison bars between me and the outside world. It feels strange to go shopping alone, or biking alone, or hiking along, or anything alone. It wasn't always this way. 

Father, what is it that I do that keeps me in this continual predicament no matter where I move? Why does my life continually take me down dark and lonely paths? Why is it hard for me to make friends? And why do those I love always go away in the end?

Father in Heaven, have mercy on me. Each day I do the best I know how to walk in Your ways and keep Your commandments. To this end I have sacrificed much, and yet it seems that loneliness is always my reward. 

I know that when that times get tough I sometimes turn to vice in search of solace. I somehow think that pornography will fill that void of intimacy in my life but it never does. After the initial thrill it becomes boring, dull, and lifeless. It's never worth it and yet, in the past, I always returned to it, but not tonight. Not tonight. 

Father, I am just a child. I am Your son. I was created in Your image and I know I was created for greater things than this. Please help me fill the lonely void with faith, hope, and charity. Help me to make friends--good friends that will love me and see me for who I really am. Friends that I can enjoy the journey with on our way back to heaven. And help me, that in so doing, I might live.

Sincerely,

Job