Dear God-
I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I were a father...to know that feeling when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. I look at my friends. Most are married. Most are fathers or are on their way to becoming fathers. And then I look at myself I pity the man I see in the mirror. I feel sorry for him...that he's not a father but a lone wonderer. Empty.
In an attempt to harness hope I ponder on the question "what type of father would I be?" I'd like to think that I'd be the kind of father that always knew exactly what to say or do in every moment. I'd like to think that I would always be brave. That my children would know that there is nothing I fear. But this isn't so.
The enemy of my spirit counters my slim ray of hope with doubt and despair. "Ha, your not fit to be a father! Look at you! You're a H O M O S E X U A L! You'll never make it! You're not brave. Look at you, you have an anxiety disorder! There's no way you're mentally capable of handling a family!" By then my fears overwhelm me and family life (i.e. marriage and fatherhood) seems like an impossible reality. I am back to wallowing in isolation. In loneliness.
At church and around church members, I try to keep a positive outlook. Cultural expectations leave people puzzled as to why I am not yet married. I know their inquires are innocent but it's painful nonetheless. I want to tell them, "God has a different plan for me"but I, myself, am not sure what exactly Your plan is so I just smile on the outside and try not to laugh out of the wrong side of my face no matter how hard the stinging hurts.
In all my days I have never been in a relationship. I can count the total number of dates I've been on with my ten fingers. And the girls I've had to turn away who wanted something more than friendship? That pains me too Father. But in dating I can't help but feel like an ultimate deceiver...that I'm giving a precious daughter of God a hope that I will only have to crush...and without explanation. This only ever ends in sorrow.
God? will you have mercy on me? Will you help me develop an unwavering hope that I will one day have a family? That I will one day have children to hold in my my now empty arms? Will you help me see myself and my life in terms of eternity? Will you soften the sting I feel from cultural expectations?
I wish to see the days when I can look my child in the eyes and see a glimpse of heaven, or hear my child utter their first word and take their first steps. I long to read them bedtime stories, hear their playful laughter, and watch them learn and grow.
Help me God, to have faith in Your timing and trust in Your wisdom.
Help me to live worthy of that day.
With this prayer, I walk into my 31st year.
Sincerely,
Job
