When the Sky Turns Blue

Dear  God-

Sometimes I pity myself because of my perceived physical imperfections. So often I look at the other boys and long to be them and wonder how much better my life would be if it were so. This longing often turns into lust and I keep looking until I feel it is no longer safe. But I know in this thing I do sin. I shouldn't covet other mens' bodies but it is hard, especially during these summer months when the sky turns blue.

Instead, Father, I should be giving gratitude for the body I do have, for the blessing it is to be able to use my limbs and joints, for the blessing it is to going running often and behold the beauty of the earth around me. I am grateful that I am in good health, that I have full use of my body, and for the strength You have given me to eat healthy and resist the bad. 

Father, forgive me that I covet. And help me to see myself as the glorious being I am capable of becoming. 

Sincerely,

Job 

The Way I Am

Dear God,

I don't know why You made me the way I am. Why You made me different from the other boys. I'd like to think I'm special. That maybe You have something waiting for me beyond the vail if I prove myself. Maybe, that "something" is a knowledge and understanding that can't be comprehended or understood here in mortality.

Every night, when I look in the mirror, I can't help but think what my life would be like if I wasn't so different. Would I experience the joys I can now only see in depths of my imagination? Would my life have deeper meaning? Would I feel purpose in my life? Would I hear the tender voices of my children while they played? Would I experience the soothing touch of a women who loved me? Who shared my same desire to raise our children in truth and light?

Even still, I am grateful for my childhood. Growing up, I did the things boys do. I played sports, built tree forts, collected baseball cards, got into trouble, and everything in between. I had an adventurous spirit and an equally active imagination. I can't thank You enough for that.

But as my peers and I got older, and we entered that long transition period where boys become men, that's when I noticed. That's when I noticed I was different. And while my friends talked of girls and engaged in lewd acts I hid under the guise of my religion.

I could feel a rift growing between me, and all the other boys I knew, especially my childhood friends. And that's when I started pretending and making up excuses. Half my life ago I starting lying. I never was a good lier and I think, eventually, everyone knew but were too afraid to ask. My mother would always ask why I didn't date. I think she just wanted to hear it from me--to confirm what her motherly instincts told her.

The kids at school weren't so nice about it. I was 14 by the time the bullying started. I grew anxious and socially insecure. My only reprieve was to escape into the woods near my house. This secret I had, this truth I--and apparently others--knew about myself (even though I admittedly denied) weighed upon me heavily. My teenage mind couldn't deal with or make sense of it. I drifted into a serious depression. Thankfully I got the help I needed but I emerged with my secret still intact, deeply buried in the graveyard of my consciousness.

When I look back at my life, I realize puberty was the beginning (and perhaps the cause of) my many sorrows. I do my best Father to focus on the good. I am very blessed and I thank You for that. And when that day comes, when I do return home, I hope there's an answer waiting for me just beyond the vail, letting me know why you made me the way I am. Until then, I won't pretend to have an answer. I trust in Your infinite mercy.

Sincerely,

Job